Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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