Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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