I just pynch a tree in the face
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
