I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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