while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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