The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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