This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
