Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I know her cup size but not her name....
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