do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
