the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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