She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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