Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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