Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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