just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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