So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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