Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
