made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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