She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
