bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
