I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
