You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
