I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
