Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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