Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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