He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
