4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize