She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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