I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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