The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
