I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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