And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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