Your dad touched me again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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