So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
