I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
