her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
