Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
No subtext here. People are naked.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
