im six kinds of drunk right now
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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