I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize