apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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