he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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