Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
