I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize