You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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