A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
a search helicopter?!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
