I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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