She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
