He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
