i can't believe i had my finger in that
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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