Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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