grandma shit on top of the toilet
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
