Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize