I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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