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anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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