i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
