we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
