Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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