A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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