Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
