They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize