so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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