I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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