I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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