I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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