here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
