fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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