TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize