Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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