Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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